Thursday, April 9, 2009

surprises from the e-mail gnomes!!!

I love surprises! Well the good kind of surprises anyway.  For example, reaching underneath your pillow to find your tooth you placed there night before has been replaced by dental floss because quarters are touched by homeless people and democrats is a good kind of surprise.  Your mother finding the teeth of your father's "special friend" underneath her pillow, forcing your father to live in room 203 of the Motel 8 rather than your house is not the good type of surprise.

Anyhoodle, as I was saying, surprises can just be the greatest thing since sliced cheese.  Thus, in my daily quest for surprises, today I tried looking for surprises in the junk section of my e-mail, (which I feel is a rather tragic name for these poor little defenseless e-mails.  I hate people who judge!)  As soon as I clicked upon the tab for my under-appreciated e-mails, I found many fun and pleasant surprises.  I never realized there were so many friendly and giving people on the internet.  

Just on the first page, I had a job offer from some man named Dennis Cole, a promotion from Colon Cleanse, a product that was endorsed by Oprah, OPRAH!!! (and you can't argue with that,) another job offer from a woman named Busty Brianna, and a message from Charlie Finch with something to do about Janet Jackson smacking paparazzie with her black dildo, (perhaps that's some sort of African fan...) And the e-mails just went on and on.  After going through only 200 of them or so, I started to feel really bad that there were so many kind and friendly people online sending out these fun little greetings, and yet I had been such a Samantha Snort that I hadn't sent out a single random e-mail.  I feel like such failure, but failure is one thing I cannot accept.  The only thing worse than failure is AID's, and that's because you go to Hell for that.

Anyway, in an act of redemption, I have resolved to become a new and friendlier me, and thus I'm going to start sending out my own fun and friendly e-mails to people who just need a charming and cheerful "hello" in their day.  Oh, I could even give them tips, like fun things to do with men's hair to help give them longer and firmer folicles!  I can just see it now, "Men, don't you want to appear firmer, and stronger?"  And just like that, I have another activity to put in my schedule after putting together my 1000 piece puppy puzzle and feeding my cat, Renaldo.  In the words of the great Sean Connery, the day is mine!!!

Until next time,


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